Debra knew from a very early age that she was adopted. Her mother and father provided an incredibly  loving environment where she could grow and thrive. And that’s exactly what she did! While it may sound unusual, when she was 3 years old her Mom sat her down and gently explained that some mothers were not able to provide for their children and for many reasons, those children were adopted by families who had the means and the love to help those children grow up. For this reason and as young as she was, she grasped the concept and simply went on with her life. 

Debra’s birth was a bit premature. As a result, she was kept at the hospital for several days to ensure that she was healthy enough to go home. But where was home? Her birth mother was either not allowed or was incapable of caring for her. That’s the short story of how Debra came about being adopted by parents who were very much in a position to raise a child in a healthy, happy home. 

Even with the knowledge that she had been adopted, she was loved by her Mom and Dad, she was healthy, happy and she had dreams for her future. 

About ten years after her adoption, Debra’s parents decided to adopt another child. This time the circumstances couldn’t be any different. When they brought the new sister home, it was a tragic reality that Lisa had been the victim of a hostile environment. Lisa was covered with bruises, stitches and scars. Her “new” parents were very successful in again providing the same loving care they had been providing for Debra. After a brief period of adjustment, Debra became very close with her new sister, Lisa Marie.

Debra’s life was as ideal as she could have hoped for. Soon, she fell in love, married and had her own house full of children. She never dwelled on her own adoption issue. She was loved, secure, and looking forward to raising her family in an environment such as the one in which she grew up. As her children got older, she was able to discuss her history. With the knowledge that their Mom had been adopted, their curiosity got the best of them. The older kids insisted on knowing more… And more… And they wanted to know soon! 

Although I had known Debra and her family for many years, I was unaware of the fact that she was adopted. It was never an issue for her to discuss it with anyone other than her family and even at that, there wasn’t much discussion until the older kids began to get her to wonder about her birth parents. She will readily tell you that the search for her birth story would never distract her from the parents who raised her. But the curiosity began to creep in. As a result, she learned about a class I was conducting at a local library that was designed to teach the basics of DNA, the various tests available, how each of those tests can be used and the companies who administer them. As an enticement, I offered to “raffle off” a DNA test to one of the participants after the session. 

Frankly, I was surprised but pleased at the same time to see Debra walk through the door! We went through the presentation in a little over an hour. The attendees asked many great questions and I believe we all learned a lot. After the Q&A session, it was time for the raffle. I’ll give you a couple of seconds to guess who won! Debra took the test home, submitted her sample and as everyone who has tested can tell you, waited the 5 or 6 weeks it took for processing. Results in hand, the hunt began!

The good news is that she was uncommonly successful. Her first “hit” led her to a biological uncle who is a brother to her biological father. Uncle Jack was more than just pleased to hear from her. I suspect that Jack was aware that he had a niece out there somewhere and that niece turned out to be Debra. He was more than happy to help. He led her to her full biological brother named Brian who lived just a few towns away, close enough to possibly visit from time to time.

It’s worth noting that adopted children who choose to seek out their biological families can run into a myriad of problems. The parents they are looking for may have split up long ago and gone their separate ways or possibly even died; the siblings, if there are any, may live too far away to be able to develop any meaningful relationship or they simply are untraceable; contacting anyone may be a negative experience for the individuals being contacted; and, in many cases, you simply can’t find anyone in the bio family and frustration ensues.

Fast forward to Brian. He was thrilled to finally hear from the woman who turns out to be his full biological sister who he never had the opportunity to meet much less have any type of relationship with. The good news, no…the great news, is that Debra and Brian have not only met, but have formed a meaningful bond with one another. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that they are not only somewhat similar in appearance but share many common interests. The outdoor life appeals to both: fishing, hiking, spending a great deal of time outdoors. Since they live fairly close to one another, they meet often and spend a great deal of time together. 

But wait, there’s more. Her bio father left New England for the west coast. To date, Debra has been able to locate 4 half-siblings. One of them, Charles, has been very open to establishing some type of relationship in spite of the fact that he lives out west. Fortunately for Debra, she has been able to travel out there and meet him and talk about their individual experiences. Two of three other half-sisters, however, were less than enthusiastic about staying in touch with her. Regardless, Debra was very excited to make the progress she had made to put together the pieces of a life she never knew. 

Keep in mind that adoption notwithstanding, nothing diminishes in any way the relationship she has enjoyed her entire life with her parents who did the right thing in so many ways. And Lisa, the sister who Debra grew up with, has been a source of support in Debra’s efforts to discover her “other life” but has so far not expressed any interest in following the same path Debra has followed.

One final chapter to this story. Debra’s biological father has a sister who lives nearby. She is Debra’s aunt. The aunt has a daughter, a full first cousin of hers who also lives nearby. Debra’s daughter recently moved in to a new house. Debra’s cousin is her daughter’s new next door neighbor! They have all had the chance to meet and spend time together. 

The conclusion is a simple one: When and only when you’re ready to go out to make these discoveries, it’s well worth the journey in most cases. No one could be happier than Debra! And I am proud to say that I was a part of this great story.

Dave Robison

All the names in this blog have been changed to insure privacy.

Copyright © Dave Robison Old Bones Genealogy of New England

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